21 Jun Day 21: Sleep

The doctor was right, the tablets worked a treat. The first night’s sleep I’ve had in nearly 2 weeks. I wake up at 8am looking forward to relaxing for the day and really trying to catch up on some more sleep. 8:10am I jump out of bed and immediately want to go to work. I walk into the bathroom and that desire to go to work completely disappeared. I was told this was also an effect of PTSD – waves of motivation and no control of thoughts in my mind. 

Lauren had organised that I see a therapist today, someone that I can talk to that has experience dealing with people with PTSD. 

2pm and I’ve arrived to meet my counsellor, the person I’m going to be talking to about everything, my vocal punchbag. How much can talking help? I can’t tell her how I’m feeling because I don’t know, I have no emotions, I have no personality. One weird thing, I’ve started hallucinating, I’m driving to my session and I see Jeff in the middle of the road, I drive straight through him, slam on my brakes, look in my mirror and nothing is there. 

3:30pm Session finished and I’m home, that was horrible, reliving the trauma, but I’m numb. PTSD is certainly the diagnosis, but it’s known as Complex PTSD, there are parts of my brain that just aren’t processing anything, it’s shut down in order to protect itself. We’re going to be working on getting my emotions back in our therapy sessions until I start to feel human again, then we can work on getting rid of the triggers of PTSD. 

7pm I take my tablets again to help me sleep.