05 Jul Day 35: Car crash

The day of my 5th therapy session. We’re trying to get through this block where I can’t process anything. I can’t understand what’s going on. I’m disassociating from reality – the weirdest thing you’ll ever be told and you can’t really believe something like that happens, until you experience it for yourself. 

We’re driving home, I’ve been at Jeff’s all week as he’s also still off work. So I’m driving my car and Lauren is driving hers behind me. I’ve been warned not to drive due to my hallucinations, it is quite worrying. I had my car at Jeff’s and just wanted to get it home where I’ll be staying for some time. So I make the decision myself to drive. 

We’re three quarters of the way home, it’s pitch-black, my radio signal is terrible in my car and it keeps cutting out. Now, I’m going from what Lauren told me happened as I completely blanked it out. We’re driving along, she sees me swerve in the road and then slam on my breaks, I jump out of the car in the middle of the road and open the back door, I then walk around the back of the car and squat down on my knees, out of breath. I tell Lauren that I thought I saw him in the back of the car – clearly, he wasn’t there. 

Some lovely kind people took me into their home, he parked my car up in his drive and offered me a cup of tea and let me calm down. I’m in no condition to drive, so the car stays there for the night and I go home in the passenger seat of Lauren’s car.